Sunday, May 18, 2008

Dear Republican National Committee

Perhaps you haven't noticed but your Congressional elections have been going very poorly lately. I know that you are all real smart and have figured out that you can win elections without those blasted Christians and infernal conservatives and so you threw us all out of the house before the '06 elections. Remind me again how that went.

Perhaps you haven't noticed but big business is now giving more money to Democrats than to you. This means that you don't have the Christians, you don't have big business and you don't have very many conservatives left.

I know, conservatives want less spending and less government and you have less power that way. Tell me, how much power does an ex-Congressman have? Have you noticed that you have lost two seats in special elections that have been "safe" Republican seats for decades?

Remember when we were winning? Did Reagan run as Democrat-lite? Did he send the Christians around to the servant's entrance? As I recall he did rather well. The 80s are over, you say. Well it wasn't long after Reagan that the '94 elections came. Suddenly a cow college history prof turned congressman had an idea. Let us all run as conservatives. We will make a list of things and bring them all up for a vote within the next three months or so, if we win. Remember? Seems to me we did rather well, again.

Of course, that didn't last. The Democrats and the media (but I repeat myself) were enraged and they all declared war on Newt as well as Tom DeLay. You, RNC, let them have both. I think, perhaps, that you thought if we just gave them Newt and Tom they'd be happy. How is that working out? Well, let's see. We are going to lose Larry Craig's seat in the Senate. That Democrat that had a gay prostitution ring being run from his basement, though, he will be reelected.

We lost that seat in Mississippi the other week because the Donks accused that guy of being in cahoots with the Klu Klux Klan. Oddly, there is an (ex?)Klansman who is the "dean of the Senate". How does that work? How is it that you allow the Democrats, the Party of Slavery, the Party of the Klan, the Party of Jim Crow accuse our guys of racism? Why are you not buying time with excerpts of Democrat speeches. Perhaps that famous speech about having Old Glory tramped in the dirt, never to rise again from Byrd? How about Segregation Now, Segregation Forever from Wallace. Maybe some juicy quotes from Orville Faubus? How about telling everyone just which Democrat who, on assuming the Presidency in 1913, fired or demoted so many Black Americans in government service and re-segregated Washington DC?

There are better ways to regain power, RNC, than throwing your biggest two voting blocs off the bus. Perhaps instead of hating conservatives and Christians you might remind people that it was Ike who sent the 101st Airborne Division to Arkansas to enforce the law and integrate the schools. Yes, Ike. The guy the press called an amiable dunce. Funny how that happens. How come Republicans are always stupid and abject failures like Jack Kennedy and Jimmy Carter are always so smart? Sorry, some Republicans aren't stupid, some are crooks. So, Nixon was a crook, the Kennedy brothers were geniuses. Nixon hounded out of office for illegal surveillance. The Kennedy brothers wiretapped Martin Luther King. The Clintons had five hundred FBI files, illegally. Bush is taking our freedoms away.

The press and the Democrats will never love us, RNC. Yet we can beat them. We will always be stupid, crooks or both, to the Dems and the press. Yet we beat them every time we run as proud conservatives. So, why do you swerve away from what works?

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