Monday, December 25, 2006

Thinking About Global Warming.

I took Eddie out to pee, and to fire the other barrel. To do so I had to put on my thermal underwear, my sweats, a jacket, a watch cap and a jacket and gloves. Could be worse, I could be in North Dakota or Wisconsin or some awful place where they allow snow. (Why don't the legislatures up there pass a law?)It got me to thinking about the global warming zealots (the same bunch that was convinced we were all gonna die in the new ice age) talking about how we are all gonna die because it's going to get three degrees hotter.

Here is what I don't understand, we are all going to die because the ice will melt and the seas will rise a whole foot or so. Just how much of Holland is below sea level? When did the Dutch build those dikes? Long before my time, right? Except for New Orleans, aren't the rest of us smart enough to put up some dikes? Are we not as smart as the Dutch of a couple hundred years back?

I have a lot of trouble adjusting to Algore telling us we are all going to die because it will get a few degrees warmer. We have people living everywhere from Yuma, Arizona to Anchorage, Alaska, we seem to be a pretty resilient bunch. Perhaps Algore will die over a few degrees, the rest of us will move a hundred miles north. Except, of course, in Australia. They'll go south. It warmed up at the end of the Dark Ages and our ancestors survived. I'm told that if it warms up some, the growing seasons will be longer and there will be more to eat. Of course, looking at Algore lately, maybe that is the problem. Nobody will be hurt by the heat, Algore is just worried that he'll explode.

I figure my grandchildren are pretty smart kids. If it gets too hot for them to live in Texas, Arizona and North Carolina, where they are now, they can move to Siberia and wear tank tops in January. The way the Ruskies are dying off, they might as well. There will certainly be enough room.

And another thing, in between all of us dying from the coming ice age to all of us dying from the big hot spell, were we not all supposed to die from Nuclear Winter? How's about we figure out how many nukes we'd need for a Nuclear Springtime? We could drop the first one on Tehran and just work our way down a list until we have perfect weather. One on Khartoum would stop the genocide in Darfur, a nice small one on the Aswan High Dam in Egypt would let the rest of Islam know what it means when they talk about throwing Israel into the sea.

We could start a little pool, how many nukes would it take to make for good weather and would that be enough to calm Islamic Rage Boy down a notch or three or will we have to rebuild the Napalm refineries. We can Napalm 'till there is global warming, nuke until it cools off and just repeat until the surivivors of Islam decide to play nice with the rest of the world.

There, I've solved the two big problems of the world, all from staying home today so as to not bring this cold to the grandkids. With a little luck the cold will be over by William's birthday party. If I don't get over the cold by then, somebody give me another big problem to solve.

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